Captain Marvel — This Movie Is Freaking Horrible
Captain Marvel.
This movie is freaking horrible.
Let me elaborate.
So, we’re supposed to be in the 1990s, and the movie starts us off on this sophisticated, technology-driven Kree alien world. The Kree basically look just like us, except they’re supposed to be blue-skinned aliens.
We’re following Vers, a Kree soldier who can’t remember anything about her past.
Okay. Sure. I can ride with that.
Until she gets into a sparring match with her superior, Yon-Rogg.
He’s teaching her about technique and keeping her emotions under control. He basically tells her that she needs to control herself and not let her emotions take over.
And then he beats her because she loses control.
So what does she do?
She blasts him with her cosmic powers because she lost her temper.
Please remember that.
Because this becomes the underlying theme of this entire freaking movie.
We’re immediately put back into a “girl boss” situation where we’re constantly being told that Carol is incredibly powerful and capable, but the movie doesn’t really give us much substance to go along with it.
Then she speaks to the Supreme Intelligence, which is basically the supercomputer that controls the Kree civilization.
The Supreme Intelligence appears to you as the person you most want to see.
And for some reason, when it appears to Vers, it takes the form of a woman in an Air Force uniform.
There’s really no explanation for it at first.
Of course, it eventually becomes connected to her past.
Vers eventually figures out that this woman was investigating something on another planet.
And guess what planet?
Earth.
Meanwhile, they get themselves involved in a battle with the Skrulls, who are supposed to be the mortal enemies of the Kree.
And look, at this point, the movie becomes incredibly predictable.
Vers ends up captured by the Skrulls, and they basically mind-rape her by digging through her memories.
She eventually escapes and ends up on Earth.
And that’s where we meet a young Nick Fury and a young Agent Coulson.
And I’m trying.
I really am.
But this movie is making it incredibly difficult.
They turned Nick Fury into a freaking buffoon.
This is Nick Fury.
And somehow we’re watching this guy who barely seems to understand what he’s doing.
Then we get Agent Coulson, who’s basically a rookie and doesn’t really do much of anything.
And then we meet the cat.
You know, the cat.
Except it’s not actually a cat.
It’s an alien.
And this alien scratches Nick Fury’s eye.
That’s how Nick Fury loses his eye.
Not during one of the countless dangerous missions Nick Fury has supposedly been involved in throughout his comic-book history.
Nope.
A freaking cat scratched him.
Okay.
An alien cat.
But still.
That’s the explanation we’re going with.
Somehow, we’re also introduced to this whole backstory where Carol was a fighter pilot in the 1990s with another woman, Maria Rambeau.
Apparently, they were basically the female version of Top Gun.
And then we’re introduced to a young Monica Rambeau.
Remember her?
Because apparently she’s important too.
And then there’s the Skrulls.
Did I mention that the Skrulls are apparently refugees?
Yeah.
These guys, who have traditionally been portrayed as monsters and enemies in the comics, are suddenly being used as a metaphor for refugees.
We’re supposed to feel bad for them because they’re hiding out on Earth and just trying to find somewhere to live.
And I’m sitting there thinking:
Wait… what?
How the hell did we get here?
The movie takes these traditionally villainous characters and completely changes their role so we’re supposed to sympathize with them.
Fine.
Whatever.
But it just adds to the feeling that this movie is trying to make a statement instead of actually telling me an interesting story.
Eventually, we get to the big reveal.
Vers is actually Carol Danvers.
Oh!
Carol Danvers.
That’s why they called her Vers.
Interesting twist.
I’ll give them that one.
But here’s the thing.
After everything she goes through, she’s still losing her temper, blasting things without thinking, and basically doing whatever she wants.
And somehow, she’s always right.
Remember earlier when Yon-Rogg was teaching her about controlling her emotions?
Yeah.
Apparently, that lesson didn’t stick.
And then we get to the end.
Carol, now officially Captain Marvel, decides she’s going to fly off into space to help the Skrulls find a new planet to live on.
Before she leaves, she gives Nick Fury a two-way pager so he can contact her if something really important happens.
Think about that.
Just keep that little detail in the back of your mind.
You’ll be thinking about it later.
I swear.
Then Nick Fury starts putting together the idea for the Avengers Initiative.
And where does he get the name?
Oh, that’s right.
Carol Danvers’ plane.
Because remember, she’s this incredibly cool and famous fighter pilot, and her plane is called the Avenger.
So apparently Nick Fury looks at the name on her plane and thinks:
“You know what? That’s what I’m going to call my superhero initiative.”
Give me a freaking break.
And that’s Captain Marvel.
By far, one of the worst movies I’ve watched in this entire MCU timeline.
I’m actually starting to miss Wakanda.
And that’s saying something.
-X
